Elastic band snapping against my wrist. Sudden, sharp pain. A brief moment of… something. Not happiness or comfort. Not quite relief, either. A reverberation in my brain. Distraction. Silence. Relief, after all. Perhaps comfort, even, as well.
I have a razor in front of me on my desk.
I have a tingle in the base of my skull.
Fear and anticipation.
I can’t be numb — I lost that ability. So my only hope is hurting in a different way.
OCD makes character creation in video games difficult.
My OCD takes the form of everything needing to be “even” — if I touch something with one hand, I have to then touch it with the other. What this means when I’m creating characters is that I can’t use any scars, few tattoos, few piercings, and if there are any other things that make a character unique, I usually can’t use those, either.
I figured out what falling asleep feels like. It’s like floating gently on soft gusts of black silk wind.
Also my room smells like ketchup chips with is really weird cuz it’s been like a year since I’ve had them.
does anyone else sometimes listen to music and not want to sing out loud so they just dramatically act out the song while mouthing the words and flipping their hair everywhere or is that just me
I do that a lot actually…but in the comfort of my car knowing the drivers around me will never see me again.
So I was talking to Adam the other day about gender. Specifically mine.
This isn’t something I’ve really talked about before, but I was thinking about it this morning and almost started crying, so I figured I’d post about it.
I sometimes wonder if I’m trans.
I mean, I don’t feel horrifically uncomfortable in my body or anything. And I don’t mind being female. I’ve actually always referred to myself as being on the feminine side of androgynous. I like my boobs, I like my vagina.
I just think I would be happier with a penis. I’ve had sex dreams where I was a guy and woken up thinking I actually was and was devasted when I realized that no, I don’t have a penis.
And yet there are things about being female that I haven’t experienced and have always wanted to. I’ve always wanted to be pregnant, to give birth, to nurse my child. Although lately I’ve been wondering if it’s something I want to experience simply to know what it feels like. Because when I think about it, that’s what I think about. Not how magical it would be, how much love I would feel for my child, but what the actual physical sensation would be like. (Not to say I wouldn’t love my child, obviously I would, but that’s not what I focus on when I think about the experience of being pregnant/giving birth/breastfeeding.)
I was telling Adam that there’s a good chance that the only reasons I haven’t considered transitioning are because of my height (not to be weird, but I don’t wanna be a 5’2” guy) and because the options for FtM suck. (Unless there’s some revolutionary procedure that’s come out in the 4 years since I looked it up that I haven’t heard about.)
I just, I don’t know how to process this. I’ve been thinking about it all day, and I feel physically pained. I mean, I’ve known for a long time that I’m some manner of genderqueer. And I’ve known for a long time that I would’ve been happier if I were born male. But lately the feeling has been getting stronger, and I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t like it. I hate it.
I miss feeling totally accepting of being female.
Because I honestly think that reassignment wouldn’t help, even if there were adequate methods, simply because I don’t want to change what I am, I like what I am, I want to have been the other in the first place.